Sunday, January 19, 2014

1/19/2014

It's been exactly one month to the day since my last posting. This is my first post of the new year. Happy New Year to all. We have just gone through our 13th holiday season without Curtis being physically present. We had him for 15 holiday seasons before he was taken from us. This time of year has gotten decidedly easier as time has passed, but the holidays will never be what they once were. We have tried hard to keep some traditions alive and added some new ones along the way, but there will always be an empty spot where Curtis should be. Time has most assuredly eased the intensity of the pain, but even the passage of the years cannot dim it entirely. I think that's why I haven't been able to blog lately. Curtis loved the holidays-all the way from Halloween through New Year's-and it is still a difficult time of year for me to face. Coming on the horizon is the 13th anniversary of his death on February 15th. I never know how I will feel until the day arrives. Their have been years where I felt strong and in control in the days leading up to Feb. 15th only to fall apart when the day actually came.
There have been other years where I would be extremely agitated and practically non-functioning on the days prior to the 15th, only to feel an almost miraculous sense of peace and tranquillity on the actual day. I do know, however, that, generally speaking, time has worked its magic in this area as well. After having endured those first few anniversary dates I was not sure I could face that situation once a year, every year, for the rest of my life without losing my mind. Of course, I hadn't been sure I could face any of this without going crazy, but over time, with the support and love of my wonderful wife, my family and friends, a sensitive counselor, and a lot of hard, painful, one-step-at-a-time work, I found myself recovering some semblance of my "normal" self. It was, however, a self that had been so greatly changed that it would become necessary to reacquaint myself with this new person I had become.