08/12/2013

   Of course, Curtis would not be going home with us that night. He would never again see his home. He would never be in his room again, never race down the stairs, leap over the railing at the bottom and dash out the door. He would never again argue with or tease his brother or sister. We would never again hear his voice and laughter bouncing off the walls or feel his arms around us or kiss his beautiful face. Those things and a million more besides were forever taken from him and from us. Going into the future, all we had were the memories and videos of our years together as a complete family. We would never be that family again. The family we now had become would never be whole.
   These were some of the thoughts racing through my mind as we prepared to leave the chapel following Curtis's visitation. I felt emotionally drained and physically exhausted after the last mourners had finally made it through the line. One of the last people I remember greeting was a teaching colleague from my school. I had noticed him standing against the wall at the back of the chapel throughout most of the evening. I even wondered at one point why he wasn't coming forward so he could greet us and then be on his way. As we greeted each other now, he explained that he had waited because he had a box of food for us from the staff at school, and hadn't wanted to interrupt us while the service was going on. Up to that point, he and I just had a casual work relationship since we taught different grade levels, but it meant so much to me that he had been there that evening and had waited all that time out of respect for what we were going through. He said that he and his wife had been praying for all of us since they'd heard the news and would continue to do so. Even though I was already at odds with God myself, I appreciated all the people who were holding us up in prayer, especially since I didn't feel capable of praying for myself.
   Now that all the people had left the chapel except for family members, the full realization of what had happened to us began to dawn on me. I pushed it down again to a spot deep inside myself. I couldn't deal with all of that right now. As one family member reminded me that they would see us in the morning, I thought, "Why will they see us in the morning?" Oh, of course. Curtis's funeral would be the next day.