11/30/2013

   As time went by in our journey and milestones were reached and surpassed, life began to settle into our new "normal". Of course, our lives would never really be what they were before. How could they be? There was a constant, massive, unfillable space in our lives where Curtis had once been. In the early days, I had doubted that I could survive what we were being forced to endure. That feeling persisted off and on for the first several months. There was no great single moment of  enlightenment that changed that feeling. It was more a gradual realization that I was surviving day by day, moment by moment, milestone by milestone. I realize now that with every day that passed and every new challenge that we faced and overcame I got just a little bit stronger.  Enduring Curtis's first birthday, my first days back at work, all the first holidays without him, the court business, the counseling sessions, the day to day aspects of life without him, all served to strengthen my resolve to make Curtis proud. I couldn't let the man who had taken Curtis from us do any more damage to me or my family. It certainly helped when all the legal issues were done. I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders that day. The counseling sessions definitely helped, although at the time I didn't always feel that way. All the support we received from family, friends, colleagues, and even strangers served to remind us how many lives Curtis had impacted in his short life. Our sessions with the medium also brought me great comfort. The most important factor, however, in my survival comes down to one thing-love. Without the love of my amazing wife I'm pretty sure I would not be in the place I am today. She's an absolutely incredible woman. I realized that as horrible as life felt without Curtis, I could survive it because my wife loved me, and I loved her. We also had the love we felt for our surviving children and how important they were to us. They were suffering, too. How could I possibly do anything to make their lives even worse? There were many times that we actually just cocooned ourselves within that love and held on to each other for dear life as the storms raged around us. I don't mean to minimize all the support and love we received from the outside, but as we grieved we were constantly aware that as much as people tried to be there for us, they could not possibly truly understand what we were enduring as a family and as individuals. Only we knew that. It became very clear to me that only as long as we held onto that love and held on to each other could we survive this horrible journey.