02/01/2014

     Ah, February has come again. I have come to hate this month. It is true that the passage of time has diminished the painful memories, but I still usually wish that I could go to sleep on January 31st and not wake up until March 1st. Sometimes it seems that nothing good for me has ever happened in February, although I know that is not really true. It's just that the last 13 Februarys have been so filled with painful, incomprehensible memories that it is difficult to remember there was ever anything else good about this month. Even Valentine's Day is bittersweet since it's always the day before my son was taken from us. It's still hard to see the store displays, the commercials, etc. and realize that while much of the rest of the world is celebrating the spirit of love, I often have found myself transported back in time to that horrible February of 2001. I remember that this side-by-side existence of people going about their normal lives while I was melting into a puddle of unrelenting pain and anguish was one of the first and most difficult aspects of those early days of my journey. How was it possible that the rest of the world could just go merrily on while my world was crumbling? I still find that question bubbling to the surface during these days leading up to Valentine's Day. I realize that there's never a good time for someone to die, but it somehow seems worse when it comes tied to some significant national or global date that never changes from year to year. It's just another aspect of this whole situation that we obviously have no control over. Through the years we have found ourselves dwelling less on the day Curtis was taken from us and thinking more about the day he came into our lives and all the marvelous, amazing, common, normal, frustrating, wondrous days in between. Yes, time has dimmed the pain of our loss and helped me focus on and appreciate the positive presence Curtis was in our lives and the lives of everyone who knew him. We are all richer for having known him.