Friday, February 14, 2014

02/14/2014

     I've mentioned several times in these postings about the impossibility of regaining my "normal" life following the death of my son. Well, today is the 13th anniversary of the last normal day of my life-Valentine's Day 2001. I didn't realize it at the time, but it would prove to also be the last time I would really be able to fully appreciate and celebrate Valentine's Day.
     February 14, 2001, was a very pleasant day. My wife and I spent it together just enjoying breakfast out and doing some shopping for a new dresser for Curtis's bedroom. I remember how good it felt to just enjoy my wife's company for the day without having anything really planned out or scheduled. We just kind of let the day flow. Life felt so good. Our kids were all doing well in school. We were all healthy and well. Casey, our oldest son, was a junior in high school and beginning to map out his college options. Curtis was a freshman, just beginning his trip through high school. Carly was still in elementary school, but already anxious to follow her brothers to middle school and high school. We were all active and busy in a variety of areas. I remember thinking more than once during that day how blessed we were to have such a wonderful family. What happened the next night shattered all of that forever. That's not to say that nothing good has happened in these last 13 years. There have been innumerable things that have happened to us that have been nothing short of wonderful, many of which only occurred because of Curtis's death. But the normalcy of my life ended when my son's life ended. My normal life would no longer exist. How could it? My normal life included my beautiful son, and he was now gone for good. Of the nearly 5,000 days I've lived without my son not a one has been normal. However many more days I'm granted on this earth, none of them will be normal. Normal would mean that Curtis was still with us. I realize that if someone just beginning their own journey on this road of grief were to be reading this, they would probably think, "Wow! What a depressing thought! My life will never be the same again?"  To be brutally honest, no, it won't ever be the same. It can't be. But that doesn't mean that you can't find your way through to a new normal. We (and thousands of parents like us) are living proof that it can, indeed, be done. It has taken much time, effort, love, and support to get to where I am today. Just where is that? Well, some days I'm really not sure, but at least today I can finally again feel some sense of the joy and love represented by Valentine's Day. My son may be gone, for the time being, from my physical life, but I've reached a point in my journey where I can celebrate the love he left behind and share that again with others.

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